Note to self: stop booking vacations when drunk

In my sorrow over turning 40, I decided to spoil myself and book a snowboarding trip. So, I went on my ski/snowboarding group's website and saw that there was still space on the Jackson Hole trip. A few glasses of wine and a credit card number, I'm contacting the trip leader saying, "Sign me up!"

All I knew about Jackson Hole was that it was supposed to be gorgeous and apparently has a lot of hot men. This was told to me by a friend who had been there with the [very wealthy] family she had been a nanny for. Notably, this friend does not ski or snowboard. But I figured that every place has beginner runs and never thought more about it.

This past Saturday I went snowboarding and during lessons, the instructor mentioned that Jackson Hole was known for its steep inclines and expert runs. I blanched.

Although my snowboarding has VASTLY improved, I still can only rarely do two turns in a row without falling. Me going down the small hills in Ontario consists of the following steps:
1. Dismount from chairlift. Glide forward and fall. Crawl out of the way quickly before next group of people dismounts.
2. Get bindings fully adjusted. Start to edge down the hill. Accept the fact that I need to try to do a turn. Fall on my ass.
3. Get up and try again. This time have one successful turn, followed by another, and then fall forward landing on my shoulder.
4. Get up and start another turn. Fall.
5. Get up and start again. Have a pretty good groove going. Realize that thighs are so sore I can no longer stand upright. Stop and sit on hill, to the complete annoyance of all the skiers.
6. Summon up the strength to complete steps 3-5 again until I reach the end of the run.

I went on the website for the resort and the pic I have at the top of this post is what greeted me. I suppose this is supposed to be a big selling point for their clientele, but for me it signified a complete loss of bowel control. I hurriedly looked up their trail map and scanned for beginner runs. There was one. There are several novice runs so I hope I at least manage a few of those. I can do the novice runs in Ontario, but you know, Ontario's 'expert' runs don't exactly look like that death drop in the promo pic.

My plan is to find a hot snowboarding cowboy who will give me private lessons. Maybe I'll come back knowing how to do the half pipe. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to sit my ass in the heated indoor/outdoor pool at the hotel and fully relax for the week.