Wednesday, December 20, 2006

When your dreams don't come true

Today it hit me how spectacularly I have failed in life. Everything I set out to accomplish, everything I had hoped would happen - nil, nada, nothing. It's quite spectacular really in its breadth. To many people I'm not a failure at all, and I'm not looking for outside affirmation. But in the ways that I had hoped to succeed: I haven't. Today was discovering the most painful one of all. I'm tired to picking myself up and starting over. I will, but it's such a drag.

However, I do realize that I have succeeded in one area. I had a wonderful dinner with St.Dickeybird tonight and a splendid evening with EarthMother and her kids last night. I am rich in friends. And yes, that does mean something to me.


Anonymous said...

Sweetie ... I feel much the same way you do. Nothing I had planned turned out as it was supposed to. But I think maybe that's the great thing about life. Sometimes you don't even know what you should have or want until you get something completely off the wall.
Anyway, you know what I think of you and how much we all adore you, so I won't say the predictable.
It was wonderful seeing you and I count myself lucky that I have you as one of my close friends.

tornwordo said...

Sigh, me too. I tried to be many things, and succeeded with none. It's almost as if it doesn't matter what you do, your fate is already decided. If this is true, it's better just to observe the ride.

CoffeeDog said...

When your dreams don't come true, dream more, dream often, dream for something else! xoxox

Anonymous said...

I think that's just one of life's lessons. The goals we set early in life don't get fulfilled, because we get distracted by life and living!

I think you're a success, but i guess not in the way that you were expecting. But who really is?

And i had a great time - thanks!

Snooze said...

EM: I think that life does take different turns and the surprises can be quite delightful or horrid, depending on circumstances. I think too though that there comes a time (this is my midlife crisis) where I've come to realize that in some aspects I really failed; not just ended up on a different path. Anyhow, people like you keep me going. xo

Tornwordo: I think we have much the same philosophy about life. At least I'm not in the least suicidal right now, which I would have been 2 years ago. I agree with you that it's better to just observe.

CD: Right now I'm very empty. I don't have new dreams, just remnants of failed ones surrounding me. But I'm surprisingly at peace.

StD: You're absolutely right that I'm not alone. Everyone deals with obstacles and changes, and I like your view that that's just part of life. Very true. That's why I am not pitying myself or anything - I know how lucky I am in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

Snooze, I think we've all failed at some level or another. I must be going through midlife crisis as well because I think I've failed in an integral way, too. Sometimes I wonder what the whole point in life is; I feel as though we struggle to survive.
I don't think any of us have all the answers. You're a wonderful person and for whatever it's worth, I think the world is a much better place because of you.

Anonymous said...

We only fly when we stop being everything to everyone but for ourselves. So you missed the mark on some things, welcome to a place we've all deal with. And yet it gives us more opportunity to try more, be more and learn more. Hugs to you baby doll. You're in great company.

Snooze said...

EM: But EM, I *want* all the answers - lol. You're my idol darling so please don't label yourself as unsuccessful.

Knottyboy: Very sage words. Thanks darlin'

Anonymous said...

How true! Nothing ever seems to work out for me either. 50 years old with a fucked marriage, fucked up kids and a losers job. It all seems too hard to keep going. If it were a one off situation I'd pluck up and keep battling forward but this is the continuing saga of my life from as long as I can remember. I think God is sadistic and seeks pleasure in watching our suffering.