Friday, May 29, 2009


I've been out a lot this week, with a wonderful dinner last night with friends. However, I am now exhausted. I have a 7:40am bike ride tomorrow and all I want to do is hide out in my basement bedroom and drink a nice big glass of red wine. I also have some long overdue cards and emails to write. I need my down-time so I'm so ecstatic to be alone right now.

The only unpleasant task that awaits me tonight is that I have to give someone the "I just want to be friends" speech. I've given the speech dozens of times, I've received it dozens of times - it's a process that has to be done. For various reasons I know being lovers/partners in this particular instance will never be a viable option for me, so better to be upfront about it. Still, this guy is amazing and witty and very, very open-minded - I think we'll be able to salvage a friendship after all.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Family dynamics

After 40 years on this planet and happily having two older brothers R. and M., I found out earlier this year that I have a sister.

At first it was a bit of a shock, but I am so happy now getting to know her. More to the point, I'm so grateful that I have this chance to know her. Well, I guess I've been living with her my whole life so I knew certain aspects about her: I knew she was smart, funny, right-wing, and a major history buff. But I didn't know *her*. You see, I always knew her as my brother R.

If anyone said that they had any idea that my brother was transgendered, they are lying. There was no external hint to any of us. What I did notice was that my brother whom I had been so close to growing up, was gradually drifting away from me more and more. Now I understand why. When anyone lives with a secret, even if they think they can handle it, it can become too much.

I'm glad and proud that she had the courage to emerge. Soon she will be able to present as female. Obviously my sister is out at work and to friends and family or I would NEVER be writing this post (she told me and a select few others quite a while before others), but it is still her private life so I won't go into much more. It suffices to say that my parents and brother and I are supportive. In fact, she has met with a tremendous outpouring of love and encouragement [and some difficulties too, but those don't need to be catalogued here].I hope and want for people who never knew her to not think of her as a T-girl, but just as the fabulous woman she is. I want everyone to know that I have a sister and a brother.

and most of all, I want everyone who is living with secrets, in shame, and in fear because of our repressive society to be inspired by my sister who decided to be true to herself. I am in awe of her and it has given me courage.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Stretched thin

I wish the title referred to my body, but alas, it is a comment on me and all my friends. Especially the ones with kids - we are all so exhausted. Such is life and I'm spoiled to be able to keep going off on solitary bike journeys, but ah, life starts disappearing quickly.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Lasting learnings

I think I would be completely demoralized working in the atmosphere that I do if it hadn't been for my previous job and my gay, sex-positive office. I adore my current coworkers and they are not close-minded. Not at all. What they are is straight.

Okay, I am too admittedly - but I realize how much more I preferred the openness of the queer culture I worked in. People there celebrated sex, desire, and passion. We all still got our work done. Hell, we were all so dedicated to the cause of helping others - more so than the odd charitable moment where I work now. Many of us had loves and families. We were professionally innovative. Yet, there was so much more.

It wasn't dirty or weird to be able to actually admit to each other that we enjoyed sex. It wasn't odd to ask one of my coworkers for tips on sex toys to use with my boyfriend at that time. Even now I had a brunch invite from someone I had worked with at that job and I texted him back saying that I was off to have sex (and details I won't get into here). He texted back - GREAT! [and then proceeded to give me tips on what to do, etc.).

We will get together for brunch. We will discuss how our families are and what's going on in the world. But I love to see him because we can talk about anything.

I am so grateful for the job I had and how much confidence it gave me in affirming my right to be a completely sexual being. I have learned to tone the chatter down in the regular office, but as much as I celebrate the marriages and views of my coworkers (and I do, they have as much right to their views as I do), I also am determined not to hide my own views. Sex isn't everything to me. Hell, I haven't had regular sex in well over a year. But whether or not I'm having sex, I will always be a sexual being (as all of us are!)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Recovery methods

After the date was cancelled, I went to a party I had been invited to earlier in the week (but had declined due to planning for the date). It was great to be out and meet new people, and I got to spend some quality time

underneath with the host.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

2 Live Crew - Part II

Okay, because I don't want the whiny post as the first thing on this page, here's part II to my love of 2 Live Crew.

I love them because unlike the sappy crap I had to listen to in high school (OMD from the Pretty in Pink soundtrack - I liked Enola Gay) or Cat Stevens with "Wild World" and which were seen as love songs, 2 Live Crew was an in your face celebration of raw sexuality. There were no vomit-provoking hiddenly misogynistic lines like, "I'll always remember you like a child, girl" or worse, "If you want to leave take good care, there's a lot of bad things out there..." Oh fuck off! Being trapped in a house with some over-protective neandertal would be worse. BARF BARF BARF.

I did hear some better things in high school like the stunning Annie Lennox of my hero George Michael, but to me, most mainstream love songs demean and trivialize a woman's spirit. Even great sexy songs like NIN's Closer are a bit sappy. But not 2 Live Crew. If you overlook the fact that they show no respect for the hoochie mamas they are singing about [and admittedly - lines like "I've got a good woman but I need a whore"* don't really celebrate female sexuality...] - these are excellent sex lines. They're fucking! They're sucking! They're in your face and up your ass. Yum. This is sex.

*I just pretend that they're singing, "I've got a good woman 'cause she's a whore". That's all I want. Some guy who loves a woman raw and sexual. Not as a piece of ass on the side, but as his woman. And as close as I can find this ideal in song lyrics, I need to turn to 2 Live Crew.

Learning and moving on

I have gone through ups and downs with exes and had some pretty nasty break-ups, but I harbour them no ill will. They are all in my heart in some way. There is no guarantee of a relationship working and I'm no prize, but at least in the four LTRs I've had, we tried. We called it a relationship. We were couples. Then we weren't. It happens. Not to say I wasn't devastated by last summer's break-up. That break-up coinciding with my complete break-down has likely left me damaged beyond repair, but again, at least we tried. It's certainly not his fault that I had severe and untreated depression.

On the other hand, recently I've re-evaluated two friendships with people who meant a lot to me. The first was with someone I used to date. Seeing him now with someone new and how he takes her out in public, I realize how invisible he kept me during our time together. It played hell on my psyche but did teach me the lesson that I am not willing to be kept like some canned good in case of emergency.

I learned a lot from that experience.

Indeed, today I overreacted to a situation, and completely pissed my date off, causing him to cancel our evening plans. Fair enough, and I can take the blame for that and accept the consequences. But what made me decide that I'm just not that into working things out was his insistence on describing me as a friend. After just over a month of dating, I don't expect to be his girlfriend, but I am not wasting one more second with some guy who can't admit that he's dating me.

Or does he make-out with all his friends during movies and plan date-like activities with them? [lol - he probably does - but unlike last experience, I'm not going to listen to arguments that I'm too close-minded to handle that. I learned from Rob that I'm fine with open relationships - I just need to be the main event]

The best part though is that these two experiences have taught me that for all my faults, and there are many, intimacy isn't one of them. I am able to love and am willing to let things grow without putting restrictions and labels on every move. As for today's break-up, I would actually love to be this guy's friend. We've only dated briefly so I think a fun friendship can be salvaged out of this. That friendship though will not involve kisses, vistis, or any form of PDAs beyond a friendly peck on the cheek. This woman is saving her lips for a guy who can use his to announce [to other people] that he's dating me.

More to the point, there's someone else I've been spending time with, and I can't yet tell if it ever will be more than friendship, but as long as I stay with my 'good friend' [which I was more than happy to do when I thought we were dating], I'll never find out.