Monday, April 28, 2008

Let's roll!

I have found a roller blading group that meets somewhat nearby on Thursdays. The other trails that they are using are only accessible if you have a car, but I can get to Thursdays location by public transit. I'm going to try and resist joining a gym this year, but I need to do something as I am getting out of shape. I don't want to run and wreck my knees, but I think that I will join a yoga or pilates studio as well and work on toning.

Spring is feeling good. All about renewal.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Change your shoes, change your life

I was walking from the subway to D.'s birthday dinner last night. On the way I passed a store window and the reflection showed this haggard schlep with really unflattering shoes [that was me, btw]. Yes, I was coming from work and work clothes are often uptight, but really, there is never a need for ugly shoes.

I was near John Fluevog shoes so I went in. I saw a pair I had been coveting for a while - a decade or so - tried them on, and handed over my credit card. Way more than I thought I'd ever pay for shoes, but when I left the store, I left feeling great.

I stopped into a store to buy a birthday card for D. and next to me in line was a guy who used to work in the same building as my last job. We knew each other to recognize each other, but I couldn't remember his name and I don't think he knew mine. That didn't matter though, we got caught up in line about recent travels and my new job. As we were both walking in the same direction we kept talking until I reached the restaurant. And then I got around the whole "so what exactly is your name?" awkwardness by handing him one of my business cards and telling him to email me. I think he'd be really fun to hang out with. I tell you though, it was the extraordinary power of the shoes that caused this chance meeting.

D's birthday was fun and I got to meet some great people.

All in all, a happy evening out.

Now excuse while I get ready for work and put on my fab new shoes.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Finally free! Justice at last!

This week Robert Baltovich was found not guilty. He had been accused in 1990 of murdering his girlfriend Elizabeth Bain - whose body was never found. He served eight years before being released on bail, pending an appeal. The book No Claim to Mercy had been published two years earlier and speculated that notorious Canadian killer Paul Bernardo might have killed Elizabeth Bain. The book was excellently written and researched. I know because I reviewed it for a publication. I was a book reviewer for criminal justice books at the time and had to read a lot of poorly written crap. But this book was excellent and quite convincing. Convincing enough that Baltovich got a retrial and was cleared. I am so happy for him, and SO GLAD we don't have the death penalty [although mind you, even in most places with the death penalty since the case was all circumstantial he may have avoided it].

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The boob tube

I am addicted to my video. I watch it every morning while I eat breakfast. I fast forward through some parts, pause at others, and for fun, watch it all in reverse. I'm not the least bit sad watching it either. Instead I have this strange and critical detachment. I think things like, "Oh, must work on that technique" or "look how cute my feet are".

I've decided I'll destroy it as soon as I start dating someone new.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Susan's guide to basic living

Today I am psychotic and bitchy. More so than usual. But instead of ranting, I am going to offer tips I have learned on how to handle day to day activities that people in Toronto [and perhaps elsewhere, but I'll go by my observations] seem challenged by.

Stepping onto an escalator: It's easy. No really, it is. Just keep walking. Step onto the first step and continue walking up the rolling stairs if you are on the left-hand side. If you are on the right, you can choose to stand still. However, standing still does not include coming to a dead stop and pausing before stepping onto the escalator. Then you run the risk of me banging into you.

Please people, it's subway rush hour. Learn to step onto an escalator. If you are challenged by the thought of smoothly stepping onto the escalator, then I suggest that you practise sometime when it isn't rush hour. [this rant does not apply to people who are disabled, the frail elderly, or recent immigrants who come from countries without escalators. For those people, take your time and come to a dead stop if you want to]

Coping with automatic flush toilets: I long ago came to conclusion that the Canadian public is too lazy/gross to figure out how to flush a toilet most of the time, but they seem to be especially challenged by automatic flush toilets. These automatic toilets should mean that in general toilets are less disgusting. Yet it seems that when it doesn't flush correctly or everything doesn't disappear with the first flush, people have no clue what to do.

Here' s what to do: You don't need to dance back and forth in front of the sensor trying to get it to flush again, and for the love of all that is good don't walk away. There is always a button right near the sensor. Press it. Et voilĂ ! Flush! Repeat as necessary.

Figuring out what side the gas tank is on in rental cars:
I never check in advance and I always get it wrong. However, I recently learned that the little gas tank icon on your dash has an arrow beside it pointing to the side with the gas tank. This icon has saved endless circling of gas pumps.

And now I am done with sharing my vast wisdom for the day. If you have a hint on how to cope with daily living, please leave it in the comments.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

So funny : this actually is EXACTLY what I have every day

You Are a Double Espresso

Hey Energizer Bunny Girl! Do you ever slow down?

You're a mix of high energy and ambition, perfectly matched with strong espresso

When you want something you get it - by any means possible

You're driven, determined, and no nonsense. Which is just how you like your java.

Off to the doctor [yet again]

For the love of god, I now have a urinary tract infection. For the first time in my life. What fun this past month has been!

Off I go now for a two to three hour wait at the walk-in clinic.

Update: Compared to my visit to a walk-in clinic for my sinus infection this was a breeze. Unlike when I had my sinus infection I wasn't in abject misery and pain so when they told me there was a one and a half hour wait, I went out for breakfast and then came back to the clinic. I was seen quickly by the doctor who had a phenomenal bedside manner, and he wrote me a prescription. Then it was a quick trip to the pharmacy next door to the clinic where the hottest pharmacist ever filled my prescription and complimented my t-shirt, and then back home. Yay! It will be a few days before the meds kick in, but I feel so relieved.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

the best film ever

A while back R. and I went to see a play and in the lobby was a little room set up to look like a 70s van [Kat, if you're reading this, you'll know exactly what I'm referring to!]. There was a blue vinyl bench at the back of the room, and the walls did not reach the ceiling. We thought it looked neat but had no idea what it was all about.

While waiting for the first act to begin, I was leafing through the program. I read that anyone could go into the 'van' before the show or during intermission and for $10 could get their own porno made. On a whim, I asked him if he wanted to do that. I think he was amazed because I normally don't even allow people to take my photo.

Anyhow, during the intermission we saw the women outside the room, they set up the camera, and then got everyone else wandering around the room to leave, shut the door, and gave us 10 minutes to do our thing. I let R. take the DVD home with him, and although I had fun making the video, I decided that I didn't want to watch it. I just couldn't face what I might look like having sex for fear that it would make me so self-conscious that I would never had sex again.

However, after seeing the feminist porn film festival and being in such a wonderful sex positive atmosphere, I decided that I needed to watch the video. R. had seen it several times and said that it was great. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to watch it before we broke up. Then when we did break up, I asked him to destroy it. Luckily before he did so I contacted him again and asked him to send it to me. I wanted to make sure that it was destroyed, but I also wanted to view it at least once.

We actually met up today and he brought me the video [the outcome is the same - we are not together, but man, he really redeemed himself in my eyes during our meeting today and it brought me closure]. I'm so glad I watched the video. It was the singularly most sexually affirming/empowering moment of my life.

The people set up the camera and left it running - no one was there *filming* us so the whole show starts with us fully clothed, sitting on the bench, waiting for everyone to leave. I look so happy. I'm grinning and laughing. You can see us getting undressed on camera and it's hilarious because these are never moments captured in porn. Also because obviously I hadn't been expecting to make an *ahem* adult movie, I am still in my unflattering uptight office clothes. The all time dorkiest part of the video though is that I had just messed up my arm snowboarding and I have this huge black wrist guard on for the whole thing.

Anyhow, viewing it all, I have to admit that when I first say myself naked, I wanted to scream. It's only in photos that I realize how big I am. I also saw a horrific amount of cellulite on the back of my thighs. But you know what? In seconds none of that mattered. We were obviously having fun, and so invested in bringing pleasure to one another. It was incredible to watch. At one point you can mainly just see me from the back and to say that my ass fills the screen is an understatement. But I just watched and looked at his hands gripping my hips and all I could think was, "That's beautiful, and my curves are sexy" There were moments when R. looked so stunning I just stared in awe, but I will not detail them out of respect for his privacy.

The video ends shortly after we get a knock on the door telling us that we had two minutes left. On camera you can see us hurriedly getting dressed again, and then disinfecting everything we'd touched with the Lysol and other products they had on hand. There is a moment though right before we get dressed when R. hugs me and kisses the back of my neck. That's something you'll never see in commercial porn - genuine affection and joy. And that's what made it so hot for me.

I will destroy the video but in many ways I wish I could keep it.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Here we go again

Mmmm.... suddenly single.

Well, I write 'suddenly' but it wasn't sudden at all. He never truly let me into his day to day life, and we were both growing frustrated: me with him never planning ahead at all and him with me wanting to plan. We hadn't found a ton of activities in common - he games and much of his life is online. As such, I never knew his friends (who are scattered all over the world) and he made no effort to have me be any part of that life.

I was off snowboarding for several week-ends and he wasn't part of that.

He also hadn't wanted a relationship [yeah, a bit of an issue...]. Not just with me, but in general. He wanted to be single and focus on his career, and I think he was surprised that we ended up going out. Quite frankly, given our age gap, I never expected it either. But like I said, our sex life was phenomenal. Finally I had the kind of regular creative sex I dreamed of. In fact it was beyond my wildest dreams. That may sound shallow, but it's not to me. However, obviously a good sex life can't sustain a relationship, and I was trying to spend more time with him to find out more about each other.

In the end, for him it wasn't worth the effort. In the past I have been demanding, but not this time - he couldn't even be bothered to cancel his gaming night the night after I'd been in the emergency ward [on my own] off my head in pain from a sinus infection. I finally had to start facing that he's not at a point in his life where he wants to have any limits on his time. Or maybe it's specifically that he realized he wasn't into me. Or a bit of both.

It all came to a head on the phone last night when I called and asked him, "Am I being paranoid or are you distant?" And less than a minute later it was all over.

True to all modern relationships, I did ask him to return the porn we'd made. It may work for Pamela Anderson and Paris to have their home movies splashed all over the Internet, but I don't want the DVD we had made collecting dust on his floor and perhaps seen/laughed at by some future girlfriend.

Over-all I'm glad I took a chance on my bacon-lovin' Christian boyfriend. I will sincerely miss his laugh and lying in his arms. I'll miss hearing about the endless and endearingly geeky plot lines of his various D&D characters. It was not my interest but his passion for role-playing was infectious and completely turned me on. I think the hardest part of any break-up is that sudden void where you used to have so much time and shared experiences with one individual. Now my challenge is to fill that void in new and creative ways (get your minds out of the fucking gutter...)

Monday, April 07, 2008

Enough already

What sort of sick fucking flu leaves me nauseated and without much of an appetite for over a week yet fails to shed pounds?

Why has that same moronic flu left me completely constipated when all I was having were fluids and apples?

I want to be healthy again. I finally broke down and saw my doctor today and she confirmed that I have the flu, and that it will only take time to get better. Bah!

Slowly I feel better though. I stayed in bed most of the week-end, but did haul my ass out of bed long enough to see a feminist porn film festival. Very interesting.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I'm at a loss

A brief recap of the past two weeks...

Thursday: Have doctor's appt about carpal tunnel syndrome. Later start to feel ill and have sore teeth.

Good Friday: Teeth and face are in pain. After several consultations with Telehealth, I end up at Emergency as the nurses are worried I have a massive infection. The docs decide it's my teeth, give me pain killers and tell me to see a dentist.

Saturday: See an emergency dentist. He decides my teeth aren't infected but that I grind my teeth (I don't) and spends time filing down my teeth. Tells me to wait until the pain passes. I am out of my head with pain and deciding that I have a sinus infection, I go to a walk-in clinic. Three hours later she confirms that this is the case and I finally get a prescription for antibiotics

Sunday: I am in pain waiting for the antibiotics to kick in.

Monday: Start to feel better, but spend most of the day in bed. Have dinner with D.

Tuesday: Back to work. I make it through the whole day. R. comes over at night and we watch a movie.

Wednesday/Thursday: Again, full work days. They are going okay except for horrific PMS. I am so wiped out I can do nothing in the evening.

Friday: I start to have more headaches and feel sick.

Saturday: I attend the opening of an art exhibit. By 5pm I need to go home and crash.

Sunday: Cancel plans to see friends. I am unable to get out of bed. I phone my parents in the evening begging them to bring me juice

Monday - now: Complete flu. Being near the computer for long makes me motion sick. I finally left the house today in order to take out the recycling. This took every ounce of effort.

I know I'll get better eventually but right now I feel like I'll never be healthy again and I've never quite felt so alone. I think that's what sickness brings out in us.