Sunday, April 13, 2008

the best film ever

A while back R. and I went to see a play and in the lobby was a little room set up to look like a 70s van [Kat, if you're reading this, you'll know exactly what I'm referring to!]. There was a blue vinyl bench at the back of the room, and the walls did not reach the ceiling. We thought it looked neat but had no idea what it was all about.

While waiting for the first act to begin, I was leafing through the program. I read that anyone could go into the 'van' before the show or during intermission and for $10 could get their own porno made. On a whim, I asked him if he wanted to do that. I think he was amazed because I normally don't even allow people to take my photo.

Anyhow, during the intermission we saw the women outside the room, they set up the camera, and then got everyone else wandering around the room to leave, shut the door, and gave us 10 minutes to do our thing. I let R. take the DVD home with him, and although I had fun making the video, I decided that I didn't want to watch it. I just couldn't face what I might look like having sex for fear that it would make me so self-conscious that I would never had sex again.

However, after seeing the feminist porn film festival and being in such a wonderful sex positive atmosphere, I decided that I needed to watch the video. R. had seen it several times and said that it was great. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to watch it before we broke up. Then when we did break up, I asked him to destroy it. Luckily before he did so I contacted him again and asked him to send it to me. I wanted to make sure that it was destroyed, but I also wanted to view it at least once.

We actually met up today and he brought me the video [the outcome is the same - we are not together, but man, he really redeemed himself in my eyes during our meeting today and it brought me closure]. I'm so glad I watched the video. It was the singularly most sexually affirming/empowering moment of my life.

The people set up the camera and left it running - no one was there *filming* us so the whole show starts with us fully clothed, sitting on the bench, waiting for everyone to leave. I look so happy. I'm grinning and laughing. You can see us getting undressed on camera and it's hilarious because these are never moments captured in porn. Also because obviously I hadn't been expecting to make an *ahem* adult movie, I am still in my unflattering uptight office clothes. The all time dorkiest part of the video though is that I had just messed up my arm snowboarding and I have this huge black wrist guard on for the whole thing.

Anyhow, viewing it all, I have to admit that when I first say myself naked, I wanted to scream. It's only in photos that I realize how big I am. I also saw a horrific amount of cellulite on the back of my thighs. But you know what? In seconds none of that mattered. We were obviously having fun, and so invested in bringing pleasure to one another. It was incredible to watch. At one point you can mainly just see me from the back and to say that my ass fills the screen is an understatement. But I just watched and looked at his hands gripping my hips and all I could think was, "That's beautiful, and my curves are sexy" There were moments when R. looked so stunning I just stared in awe, but I will not detail them out of respect for his privacy.

The video ends shortly after we get a knock on the door telling us that we had two minutes left. On camera you can see us hurriedly getting dressed again, and then disinfecting everything we'd touched with the Lysol and other products they had on hand. There is a moment though right before we get dressed when R. hugs me and kisses the back of my neck. That's something you'll never see in commercial porn - genuine affection and joy. And that's what made it so hot for me.

I will destroy the video but in many ways I wish I could keep it.


tornwordo said...

So keep it then. I'm glad you got some closure.

ChickenStrip said...

Keep it. Yay for closure! We don't always get it.

Dantallion said...

Yeah - unless R really wants it destroyed as well, I say you should keep it.

The best part of this post is the news that the meeting went so well, and that you got some closure out of it all. I'm very pleased for you about that.

CoffeeDog said...

This made me howl "I just couldn't face what I might look like having sex for fear that it would make me so self-conscious that I would never had sex again. " And the wrist guard...too funny.

I enjoyed this post!

Snooze said...

Tornwordo: I promised him I'd destroy it.

chickenstrip: Closure really does help.

Dantallion: I'm amazed by how much our final meeting helped

Coffeedog: Agh! I see my typo in that sentence now... but honestly, it really was my fear (about sex, not the typo, although that does horrify me now) I'm so glad that I found it empowering!

Now excuse me all. I'm off to watch me having sex again since I probably will never be offered the opportunity to have it in real life again.

Laverne said...

Oh man.

This sounds truly cool. I love the way you can watch yourself and love the moment.

Although, I must say, the idea of the black wrist guard kinda tickled me.

Sorry you have to destroy it.

Snooze said...

Laverne: I don't know what to do. I'm addicted to it. I watch it every morning while having breakfast. Despite the black wrist guard - which still makes me cringe

Stewie said...

That is completely cool.

I don't know if I could ever do that (for me, it's a complete trust issue that I don't know if I could get over).

Seriously, good for you. Keep it, if he's cool with it.

Snooze said...

Stewie: I would never be fine with a film living on someone's hard drive or digital camera, but if you get the chance to make a DVD, go for it.

katrocket said...

THIS IS AWESOME! (sorry it took me so long to read this post)

I'm so glad it was a positive experience for you. That's what it was created for.

Sorry to hear about R.