Mmmm.... suddenly single.
Well, I write 'suddenly' but it wasn't sudden at all. He never truly let me into his day to day life, and we were both growing frustrated: me with him never planning ahead at all and him with me wanting to plan. We hadn't found a ton of activities in common - he games and much of his life is online. As such, I never knew his friends (who are scattered all over the world) and he made no effort to have me be any part of that life.
I was off snowboarding for several week-ends and he wasn't part of that.
He also hadn't wanted a relationship [yeah, a bit of an issue...]. Not just with me, but in general. He wanted to be single and focus on his career, and I think he was surprised that we ended up going out. Quite frankly, given our age gap, I never expected it either. But like I said, our sex life was phenomenal. Finally I had the kind of regular creative sex I dreamed of. In fact it was beyond my wildest dreams. That may sound shallow, but it's not to me. However, obviously a good sex life can't sustain a relationship, and I was trying to spend more time with him to find out more about each other.
In the end, for him it wasn't worth the effort. In the past I have been demanding, but not this time - he couldn't even be bothered to cancel his gaming night the night after I'd been in the emergency ward [on my own] off my head in pain from a sinus infection. I finally had to start facing that he's not at a point in his life where he wants to have any limits on his time. Or maybe it's specifically that he realized he wasn't into me. Or a bit of both.
It all came to a head on the phone last night when I called and asked him, "Am I being paranoid or are you distant?" And less than a minute later it was all over.
True to all modern relationships, I did ask him to return the porn we'd made. It may work for Pamela Anderson and Paris to have their home movies splashed all over the Internet, but I don't want the DVD we had made collecting dust on his floor and perhaps seen/laughed at by some future girlfriend.
Over-all I'm glad I took a chance on my bacon-lovin' Christian boyfriend. I will sincerely miss his laugh and lying in his arms. I'll miss hearing about the endless and endearingly geeky plot lines of his various D&D characters. It was not my interest but his passion for role-playing was infectious and completely turned me on. I think the hardest part of any break-up is that sudden void where you used to have so much time and shared experiences with one individual. Now my challenge is to fill that void in new and creative ways (get your minds out of the fucking gutter...)
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Mmmm.... suddenly single.