Sunday, May 17, 2009

Learning and moving on

I have gone through ups and downs with exes and had some pretty nasty break-ups, but I harbour them no ill will. They are all in my heart in some way. There is no guarantee of a relationship working and I'm no prize, but at least in the four LTRs I've had, we tried. We called it a relationship. We were couples. Then we weren't. It happens. Not to say I wasn't devastated by last summer's break-up. That break-up coinciding with my complete break-down has likely left me damaged beyond repair, but again, at least we tried. It's certainly not his fault that I had severe and untreated depression.

On the other hand, recently I've re-evaluated two friendships with people who meant a lot to me. The first was with someone I used to date. Seeing him now with someone new and how he takes her out in public, I realize how invisible he kept me during our time together. It played hell on my psyche but did teach me the lesson that I am not willing to be kept like some canned good in case of emergency.

I learned a lot from that experience.

Indeed, today I overreacted to a situation, and completely pissed my date off, causing him to cancel our evening plans. Fair enough, and I can take the blame for that and accept the consequences. But what made me decide that I'm just not that into working things out was his insistence on describing me as a friend. After just over a month of dating, I don't expect to be his girlfriend, but I am not wasting one more second with some guy who can't admit that he's dating me.

Or does he make-out with all his friends during movies and plan date-like activities with them? [lol - he probably does - but unlike last experience, I'm not going to listen to arguments that I'm too close-minded to handle that. I learned from Rob that I'm fine with open relationships - I just need to be the main event]

The best part though is that these two experiences have taught me that for all my faults, and there are many, intimacy isn't one of them. I am able to love and am willing to let things grow without putting restrictions and labels on every move. As for today's break-up, I would actually love to be this guy's friend. We've only dated briefly so I think a fun friendship can be salvaged out of this. That friendship though will not involve kisses, vistis, or any form of PDAs beyond a friendly peck on the cheek. This woman is saving her lips for a guy who can use his to announce [to other people] that he's dating me.

More to the point, there's someone else I've been spending time with, and I can't yet tell if it ever will be more than friendship, but as long as I stay with my 'good friend' [which I was more than happy to do when I thought we were dating], I'll never find out.


tornwordo said...

This isn't whiny. It sounds like you're learning from past experiences and taking care of number one. Mature comes to mind.

Stewie said...

tornwordo is right, not whiny at all, but rather reflective.

I am not wasting one more second with some guy who can't admit that he's dating me.As damn well you shouldn't.

Roxrocks said...

Torn and Stewie are right! This post shows a lot of personal growth and it also shows that you are not willing to settle. Good for you!

A woman needs to stand up for herself. Always. Always.

Susan as herself said...

Oy vey. I have been where you are more than once... it's a terrible feeling that leaves you feeling empty and cheap. Good for you for recognizing the fruitlessness and sadness of the conditions and scooping yourself up and out. Some folks (men AND women) cannot manage that and spend a lifetime unhappily in something that they fear to leave. YOU ARE WAY WORTH THE BEST. I believe it will come along one day fo you, so HOLD OUT for HAPPY!!!!!!

Snooze said...

Hey all, he admitted today that he had been unintentionally leading me on. He apologized. I think that is very cool. It took a lot of decency to get there. Still doesn't change the fact that we'll be spending less time together, but I'm happy that we'll likely be able to salvage a friendship.