Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Go see the doctor

I was sitting in a bar with a coworker one evening and in between sips of my gin and tonic, I was pontificating about how if you have multiple lovers, you should really wait three days between each sexual encounter to ensure that you haven't picked up any sexually transmitted infections.

She took a sip of her gin and tonic, nodded, and then asked, "Three days? Is that the rule? I mean, I know it's three months for testing for HIV, but I don't know much about the other STIs."

It's true - we both work for an HIV organization and believe me, we understand HIV testing, waiting periods, transmission, symptoms, and treatment thoroughly. But when we get calls for other STIs, we do the professional thing and refer callers to the nearest sexual health clinic. Still, we try to have at least a functional knowledge of syphilis, herpes, chlamydia, etc. Hence, my pronouncement of the three day rule was more than just a tip for our own sexual experiences. She was interested in that "fact" from a professional perspective as well.

I must confess, I was a little thrown off when she asked about the source of my knowledge. I remember thinking, "Doesn't everyone know that?" And then I started to wonder why I was so adamant about the three day rule.

Was it in a public health pamphlet? Had we covered this in school? Why was my colleague unaware of this valuable insight? I was a few G&Ts in so trying to do factual recall was particularly arduous.

Then, somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear the words -

Three days later...
Woke up fussing, yelling and cussing
Drip drip dripping and puss puss pussing
I went to the bathroom and said "Mama mia!"
I'm a kill that girl next time I see her

... The poontang was dope and you know that I rocked her
but three days later go see the doctor

I looked at my friend and confessed to the source of my fact: "Um, Kool. Moe. Dee."

Yes, Kool Moe Dee's "Go see the doctor" [aka, my favourite rap song] was the apparent basis for my three day rule. We both burst out laughing.

[Thank goodness I never told a client about Kool Moe Dee's rule.]

Saturday 1am: I'm so tired. I know it's the week-end but I've been at a bbq all day and wanted to sleep. I just called the cops on my idiot neighbours who are having yet another party. Welcome to the neighbourhood boys!


tornwordo said...

That's funny, and I would have believed you!

Freak Magnet said...

oh. my. god. MY neighbors are going to call the cops on ME for laughing that loud. That was too good.

Tickersoid said...

Love it. I've sometimes analysed where my knowlege comes from. It soon lowers ones self esteem:-)

Susan as herself said...

Yeah---I never heard that rule... haha.

And I have loud annoying neighbors too. Sick of them already and the summer hasn't even really started.

Rebekah said...

That was rich.

Again... Being that I've not had sex in 8 years (yeah, you read that right), I think I'm probably safe.

St. Dickeybird said...

What a coincidence! I learned all my bed-manouvers from 2LiveCrew.

EarthMother said...

That's hilarious. Who knew Kool Moe Dee was such a valuable source of information. It's funny how we weave all this stuff together.
And Rebekah ... unless you have a good reason to have been celibate for so long, well you need to do something, hon ... and fast!

Anonymous said...

Bek! Honey, let us get you help!

Snooze said...

Torn: I'm just grateful my coworker didn't believe me or I'd still be quoting the three day rule.

FM: You have to download the song now.

Tickers: Where has some of your knowledge come from? Do tell!

Susan: I'm worried that I won't be able to have my windows open all summer

Rebekah: I'm not sure if you're safe as I don't think Kool Moe Dee has sung about that particular situation. Let me check the CD...

StD: I was going to ask, "Even with the boys?" and then I remembered the song "Face down ass up"

EM: I first head that song in Hutton House.

Woogie: Aw, there were about 5 years in my life when I never had good sex. Sometimes a break is called for.

Two Write Hands said...

What's so funny? It's not reliable information? ;)

Snooze said...

I did look it up when I got home to see if Kool Moe Dee had been right. He wasn't. So, here are the waiting times:

How soon do STI symptoms appear? The answer depends on which STI you are infected with – some STIs have few or no symptoms. This is why it is important to practise safe sex and if you are worried about having caught an STI, visit your GP or local sexual health clinic. Check ups and tests for STIs are free and confidential.

Chlamydia is sometimes called the silent disease because of the lack of specific symptoms.

Symptoms of genital herpes usually appear within a week after contact with an infected person.

Genital warts can take a very long time to appear. Months or even years can pass between the time a person is infected with the virus and the time noticeable warts can be seen in the genital area.

In syphilis an ulcer or ulcers appears where the bacteria first entered the body, typically appear 2-3 weeks after infection.
Symptoms of gonorrhoea in both men and women usually appear between one and fourteen days after infection. However, up to half of all women (and 10% of men) who contract gonorrhoea do not experience any symptoms.
The redness, irritation and discharge associated with thrush usually appears 2-5 days after exposure.

[from a site from the NHS in the UK]

Stewie said...

I can so totally relate to this post. Everything I know about winning a lady's love I learned from Eddie Rabbit.

Step by step, baby.