Sometimes I read my old blog posts and I realize how bad my depression got. It's difficult to explain to people who don't live with depression how ruthless it is. It's not like my whole life was a sad moment - truly there were some things about untreated depression that I miss - the sense of nihilism and adventure and focus to name a few. Yet, last night I was thinking that I haven't thought of suicide in over a year.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
It's not because I got married - although I do find TM to be a great source of support - it's more that I got married/settled because with the proper treatment I was finally able to tone down the crazy. Again, crazy is fun, it really, really is. However, after a while, like a drug addiction, it takes too much out of you, and moreover, out of those around you.
Anyhow, this is my way of saying that I am having the crappiest day I've had in ages. It started over an early morning confrontation I had with party boy neighbour (yes, I banged on his door at 8am and woke him up, just like his music woke TM and I up at 3am and kept us up until 4:30am). He's so selfish. Not a surprise, but I'm so upset now. I regret it and worry that he will hurt my cats. No, he didn't threaten that, but I worry about someone who to me is a sociopath.
Ah well, at least I'm not suicidal. I suppose that's progress. I can handle a day of sadness and tears.
PS Why *is* it that I've met so many transgendered folk or people living with HIV who are gentle souls and just want to live their lives and yet get persecuted by society, but fucking arsehole white boy is a selfish dick to everyone around him and lives a charmed life?