Sunday, November 14, 2010

Please no. Not now. Not again

Sometimes I read my old blog posts and I realize how bad my depression got. It's difficult to explain to people who don't live with depression how ruthless it is. It's not like my whole life was a sad moment - truly there were some things about untreated depression that I miss - the sense of nihilism and adventure and focus to name a few. Yet, last night I was thinking that I haven't thought of suicide in over a year.

It's not because I got married - although I do find TM to be a great source of support - it's more that I got married/settled because with the proper treatment I was finally able to tone down the crazy. Again, crazy is fun, it really, really is. However, after a while, like a drug addiction, it takes too much out of you, and moreover, out of those around you.

Anyhow, this is my way of saying that I am having the crappiest day I've had in ages. It started over an early morning confrontation I had with party boy neighbour (yes, I banged on his door at 8am and woke him up, just like his music woke TM and I up at 3am and kept us up until 4:30am). He's so selfish. Not a surprise, but I'm so upset now. I regret it and worry that he will hurt my cats. No, he didn't threaten that, but I worry about someone who to me is a sociopath.

Ah well, at least I'm not suicidal. I suppose that's progress. I can handle a day of sadness and tears.

PS Why *is* it that I've met so many transgendered folk or people living with HIV who are gentle souls and just want to live their lives and yet get persecuted by society, but fucking arsehole white boy is a selfish dick to everyone around him and lives a charmed life?


CoffeeDog said...

Yep, I hear ya.

Sorry your neighbor is an ass. The neighbors across the street from us actually broke into our shed and stole from that has effectively harshed our mellow about life in general with drug thugs across the street. I am all for a good drug buzz, as long as it does not hurt others, but now they are on my shit list so look out 911

Snooze said...

CD: Oh, that's awful, and yeah, really disappointing when you and the missus had a live/let live approach.

St. Dickeybird said...

It's probably the charmed life that has made him the selfish prick. I think it takes some hardship to lose that sense of entitlement that the "lucky" often seem to have.
Hopefully something humbling will set him straight.

Rox said...

White boys who act like dicks will eventually get their comeuppance. It might not happen until old age though, so try to just move on from it and not wait to bear witness to it. I love that you blasted the little bastard but sorry that it took so much out of you.

Old blog posts are the best therapy ever.

Snooze said...

St.D: I agree. In the interim, he'll have me continuing to try to explain how much he is inconveniencing his neighbours

Rox: If his ridiculous music didn't invade our lives, I would be happy to ignore him. But you're right. Karma's a bitch (and karma happens to be named Snooze in this case)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Dear Snooze, I hope today was a better day for you?
You didn't happen to find upstairs neighbour downstairs, did you? As in: Lying in a painful crumpled heap after falling?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

P.S. That wasn't a curse - I can't make them go that far.


Hammy said...

Probably the hardest thing will be for you to realize it's okay to be sad and angry sometimes. Speaking from my own situation, be aware that pregnancy can put a nice spin on your reactions too.

And selfish white boys become selfish white men - both of whom are typically too stupid and lazy to retaliate. Some of them just don't get it..speak slowly and use short words. :)

Snooze said...

IDV: Much better thanks! It's funny but when I read your comment my first thought was that you were a mind reader (your probably are) as I had just been picturing my neighbour drunkenly dancing and falling off his balcony. I do appreciate your attempt to throw curses across the Atlantic. You will need to visit.

Hammy: This guy makes other white guys embarrassed to be [straight] white guys. Thanks for the voice of experience!

Perplexio said...

To answer your question about "fucking arsehole white boy":

It's because the Karma train hasn't stopped by to pick up "fucking arsehole white boy" yet. He's still collecting enough bad karma tokens so he can hop on the EXPRESS Karma train straight to hell.

Don't worry, he'll get his. It's not an if, it's a when.

Rebekah said...

Oh Snooze... it's been a while. YOu've had so much change since I first met you in bloggerdom.

And I get the depression. I had no focus at all... just the empty. And so now, everytime I get down, I worry a little that the big D is coming back.

I LOVE that you confronted your dickhead neighbor. My biggest fear about buying a condo (what I could afford) is that I'll have to live in such close proximity to possible bozos.

I say call the police next time for his disturbing the peace.

Snooze said...

Perplexio: That does make me smile. I like the thought of the karma train.

Rebekah: I'm sorry to read that you deal with depression too. It is a panic, isn't it, to worry that every time we normally feel down that it's going to spiral into something greater?