And then the boys

Sunday was the big Pride Parade. I hadn't planned on going. As a matter of fact, I hadn't been planning on being anywhere near the area. At around noon though I called some friends to wish them a happy Pride and they reminded me of another friend's brunch I had planned to attend. I had completely forgotten about it too drunk at the time of the invite to have remembered but really wanted to go. Hence, I grabbed a cab and was at the brunch [which was fab-u-lous] a short time later.

A few sangrias in to it and I was off to view the parade with the two friends I had originally called. We stood right near the end of the parade route. There wasn't the same sense of festivity and community as near the end of the parade route, but we had great views and more importantly - shade.

The parade opening was the most powerful I've ever seen: they had people dressed completely in black with black hoods, each carrying a sign which listed a country where people can be executed for being gay. It was very powerful and brought home just how much work still needs to be done. Not that there isn't homophobia in Canada, but at least officially there are gay rights. Indeed the couple I attended with got married last October.

The rest of the parade was quite festive. As we were near the end of the route, the crowd wasn't as involved. My friends and I tried to make up for it. I screamed until I got light-headed and thought I was going to pass out.

There was only one group in the parade that I still don't get: people against Israeli apartheid. I'm not saying anything about the cause itself, but what the fuck does that have to do with gay pride? Is Palestine supportive of gay rights? I ask that in all seriousness. I thought it was the reverse so the presence of the group pissed me off. I mean, I'm pro-Cuba and the American blockade drives me mental, but I wouldn't bring that protest to this parade (especially because as far as I know Cuba doesn't officially recognize gay rights and I believe can jail people for being gay).

Apart from that though, it was another day of tons of sun and alcohol. My friends continued partying after, but I went home to crash. I did love the crush of people on Church Street though. I know that crowds are dangerous, but how delicious to be sandwiched between so many half-naked sweaty people in broad daylight, out for a good time.

Dead like me

I was having brunch with a friend a while back. We were both discussing guys we had been involved with. He asked me about one in particular. I explained that I hadn't heard from him in over a week. I told him what our last communication had been like.

He hardly paused in eating and said casually, in a way I swear that only guys can do, "Yeah, he's not interested in you."

I think my eyes went wide for a minute. Like I'd been slapped. After that though, I shrugged and agreed - "Yeah, you're right."

And that was it.

I think of this guy. I think of how the last time he pulled a disappearing act on me I lost my mind. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep. I drove so many of my friends crazy with my analysis of every last word he'd said.

This time around I got to know him on a better level. I'm so happy that I took a chance on seeing him again. It was his house I passed in my twitchy hormonal state months ago. I followed up the stalking his house with a blunt email - which could have had such horrific results. I didn't hear from him until three days later. It turned out that he had been out of town but the second he read my email, he called. That started some hooking up, hanging out, and long pauses in communication over the next few months. Such long pauses in fact that I have to accept that we're never going to connect.

In some ways I'm glad not to have the over the top drama and tears of the last time he passed through my life. In other ways, I'm more frightened that I'm so resigned and almost accepting of his lack of enthusiasm for me. I'm frightened that it's getting harder to be enthusiastic about dating anymore.

However, this week-end is Pride week-end and I'm heading out with some friends starting with festivities tomorrow night. If that won't work to get me feeling flirtatious and fun again, nothing will.

Addendum of Thursday morning: I'm off to this show tonight. That will definitely be a good time.

Friday's addition: Of course he called after I had written him off. In retrospect, I don't think my ability to flirt is in question at all. I also am no longer worried about my enthusiasm. I feel strength in realizing that all I'm losing is enthusiasm for being someone's after thought. And I'm pretty fucking happy about that.

I rule the beach

I was having a wonderful dinner with my parents last night until I realized that they see me as a complete failure. However, I'm not through processing that little bit of news, so I am going to instead write about one area that I have completely conquered: the clothing optional beach.

When I last posted about the beach, I had managed to lie there naked for an hour. As that experience had gone well, I decided that I was going to return, and this time I was not only going to lie there, I was going to get up and walk to the edge of the water, and then return to my towel. I figured if I survived that that I would then make a third trip to the beach and invite a friend along.

Coincidentally, a few weeks after my initial visit, a friend was hosting a bbq in the park area of Hanlan's Point. I felt that that would be the perfect opportunity to try phase two of the clothing optional beach experience. After being at the bbq for a few hours, I announced that I was just going to go to the beach for a while. It was a great group of people so my excursion was no more alarming than if I had said, "I'm going to go and buy ice cream."

However, everyone was so relaxed that one of the guys said, "Oh yeah, I'll go too"

Internally all I thought was, "WHAT??? No-ooooo-oooo. Oh my god..."

Externally I found myself smiling and nodding like this was nothing to me and telling him "Oh yeah. That's great. Let's go."

When we reached the beach, we found a nice patch of sand and then I took my clothes off as quickly as humanly possible. I had a bunch of sarongs in my purse so I gave him one to sit on. At first it was a bit awkward as I was trying to avoid looking at him, but then I just relaxed and the two of us chatted about all sorts of topics - none of which had to do with sex or nudity. I also did get up and walk to the water's edge as that had been part of the original plan.

It's nice to be back to such a state of comfort with my body. As a teenager in the north I was used to being in various states of undress around friends [and not in a sexual sense]. We had so many lakes that invariably we would end up at someone's camp and have a late night sauna/skinny dip, or else on the way back from one bar we would have to cross a golf course and we'd strip down and go swimming at the lake there in order to cool off. In Toronto, there aren't these natural chances to be naked. After all, I was threatened with being charged when I just waded into the fountain at Nathan Philips square fully clothed.

Hmmm... writing this I'm reminded of how much I miss the north.

Last night I...

Attended my first burlesque show.

Had my first lap dance.

Met Katrocket.

Made out with a sexy man.

Hung out more with a new friend. I've known her for a while, but this is one of the first times we've hung out without other [fantastic] mutual friends.

Got a few pole swinging/dancing lessons from Sasha Van Bon Bon. Holy crap was she hot and boy could she work that pole.

London Underground song

Fukkit posted this on her blog. Now although I love transit workers and don't grudge them one cent of their salaries, it taps into every commuter's frustration over transit delays and has excessive use of the "c" word. What more could a song need?

In case it wasn't clear the first time

I applied for a job recently. A few weeks after a completely disastrous interview, I contacted the HR person who told me at that time that they were making a job offer to someone else. It always is disappointing to hear that, but that's life.

A few weeks later, I received an official rejection letter in the mail. Again, that was to be expected, but somewhat sucked. However, later that day I also received a phone message from one of my interviewers who asked me to call her. I must admit, I was kind of hoping that another job had opened up and that she was encouraging me to apply for that. I returned her call, but got voice mail. I explained that I had received the letter, thanked her again for the interview, and that she could reach me anytime.

She never called back.

I can only surmise that she wanted to make sure that I had received the letter. Good grief. I'm kind of scared to turn on the local news now. I think it's going to say, "And making headlines tonight, Company X did not want to hire this individual. If you see her, please make that clear to her". And then there would be a picture of me. Probably a high school yearbook photo because that could just add to the trauma.

Hotels rule, I drool

I spent most of last week in Ottawa at a conference. I heard the most interesting speakers - but the best part was being in a hotel. Oh how I love the purity of hotel rooms. So clean, so uncluttered... On Wednesday night I fell asleep at 8pm and didn't wake up until the next morning. Life is so much better when you aren't sleep deprived.