Dead like me
I was having brunch with a friend a while back. We were both discussing guys we had been involved with. He asked me about one in particular. I explained that I hadn't heard from him in over a week. I told him what our last communication had been like.
He hardly paused in eating and said casually, in a way I swear that only guys can do, "Yeah, he's not interested in you."
I think my eyes went wide for a minute. Like I'd been slapped. After that though, I shrugged and agreed - "Yeah, you're right."
And that was it.
I think of this guy. I think of how the last time he pulled a disappearing act on me I lost my mind. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep. I drove so many of my friends crazy with my analysis of every last word he'd said.
This time around I got to know him on a better level. I'm so happy that I took a chance on seeing him again. It was his house I passed in my twitchy hormonal state months ago. I followed up the stalking his house with a blunt email - which could have had such horrific results. I didn't hear from him until three days later. It turned out that he had been out of town but the second he read my email, he called. That started some hooking up, hanging out, and long pauses in communication over the next few months. Such long pauses in fact that I have to accept that we're never going to connect.
In some ways I'm glad not to have the over the top drama and tears of the last time he passed through my life. In other ways, I'm more frightened that I'm so resigned and almost accepting of his lack of enthusiasm for me. I'm frightened that it's getting harder to be enthusiastic about dating anymore.
However, this week-end is Pride week-end and I'm heading out with some friends starting with festivities tomorrow night. If that won't work to get me feeling flirtatious and fun again, nothing will.
Addendum of Thursday morning: I'm off to this show tonight. That will definitely be a good time.
Friday's addition: Of course he called after I had written him off. In retrospect, I don't think my ability to flirt is in question at all. I also am no longer worried about my enthusiasm. I feel strength in realizing that all I'm losing is enthusiasm for being someone's after thought. And I'm pretty fucking happy about that.
15 comments:
I'm glad that the impact of that guy is lessened - although it's a shame that you believe that your enthusiasm for dating may be waning. You're too much fun to NOT enjoy meeting all sorts of different guys.
I'm frightened that it's getting harder to be enthusiastic about dating anymore.
I hear that. In the immortal words of Jim Reeves, "Welcome To My World"
I feel you on that. It's so hard, and like you once told me, it takes nerves of steel sometimes. I know if things don't work out with the guy I'm dating now, I'm taking myself off the market for a long, long time, and the Big Guy can kiss my ass for punishing me a second time.
Dantallion: I'm being a bit disingenuous - this has been one of my best years for flirting and having great passion. What's killing it for me is that I'm now getting to the point where I'm tired of never having anything more, so now even when I have fun with someone (like with the guy who bought me a lap dance), I feel like I'm not going to see them again.
MR: I hear ya.
FM: Of course sometime between me writing this post and me getting to work he called. And said all the right things on the message. Sigh. I have to return his call and I am dreading it.
I can't imagine dating again. So. Much. Work.
The older I get, the less patience I have for immature "dating games." If someone isn't interested, I am slowly learning to say, Oh, well" and walk away. And I am getting better at recognizing this earlier too. And I no longer actively look for a guy. If I meet one, great. If not, my life is full without it. A little sad, maybe, but true...
yeah, ok. but was there sex?
PS: Word verification was "futpaeug". Sounds very Swedish Chef, dunnit?
Torn: That it is.
Susan: I agree with you, but I do want to be in a relationship again.
Dan: What is this sex thing you speak of?
Never be ashamed of your passion. It may not make sense to you now but it will. Yes, Yoda speaks, hah!
Oh, you said - a lot more eloquently - in your Friday addendum what I was going to say. I guess I should've got here sooner.
But at least with him and his non-connection out of the way, you're free for an actual connection!
Babs: Yoda, you are bang on.
IDV: And I'm working on that actual connection.
This reminded me of a passage in Douglas Coupland's Life After God short story collection. I don't have the book handy so I'm paraphrasing here... the basic gist was that we shouldn't fear feeling the pain or hurt of rejection because if we feel that it means we still have that capacity for human emotion... it's once we lose that capacity for emotion. Where we lose that sense of loss that we need to worry because in losing the ability to feel hurt and rejection comes the very real cost of losing the capacity for happiness which is on the opposite side of that same emotional coin.
Coupland said it in far less words and far more profoundly than I just did of course... but there ya have it.
I don't think you have to worry about not feeling anything at all though-- I think those feelings could be linked to this particular chap not to emotions in general. And he doesn't matter-- I mean if he didn't realize what a prize he had in having you in his life, he's not worth your time and any emotion you'd have towards him would be wasted anyway.
Perplexio: Thank you for the perspective. It helps.
He hardly paused in eating and said casually, in a way I swear that only guys can do, "Yeah, he's not interested in you."
Someone may have already said, and I may have missed it, but kudos to your friend for not sugar coating anything.
Men or women, you gotta love your friends that do that for you.
Stewie: This guy is great on every level. I told him that I had a blog and mentioned his comment in it and he laughed.
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