Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why 2009 is okay so far

First of all, 2008 sucked.

I had a complete breakdown. Finally all those years of being depressed and dealing with it became too much. Partly crazy hormones as I get older, partly stress increases, and partly never really having had true depression. Instead I think what I've had my whole life is a major form of PMS, otherwise known as PMDD. I'm not going to bore you with details, but this is a public service announcement so that women can be aware of yet another condition we can all be subject to, and because it's basically a state that leaves you 'normal' for two weeks and then moody, irritated, and distraught for the other two weeks. Every single month. In other words, you seem bat-shit crazy to everyone around you.

So after crying for three months straight and going every lunch hour to the park near my work and crying my eyes out, I finally saw my doctor. By this point I did have true depression. I ignored every friend who suggested therapy [been there, done that - and although invaluable, if it's your hormones that are making you crazy, talking about your relationships is no going to help], and went and got a prescription.

6 months later and this is the first time in my adult life that suicide is not a viable option for me. I've never been actively suicidal, but I've always kept it as a good option. I don't even think of it now. My life is no better or worse than it was last year (ah hell, it's probably a bit worse), but mentally, I'm coping.

This is why I had to blog the small successes of 2009 so far. Up until mid-December last year, I was struggling to cope and faking my way through almost every social situation for about five months. Not that I didn't have some good moments, but over-all I was lost.

I so hope that this continues.


Not as bad a Freak Magnet as Norman said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to help, but I doubt there is. Hopefully your doctor's working well with you and you'll be feeling better quick. Until then, you can always talk to me. God knows I go running to you.

Snooze said...

FM, thanks so much - believe me, I appreciate it. But I feel truly happy now. It's such a weird feeling :-)

eroswings said...

Well, I'm happy for you. You have overcome a serious situation, and you've found a way to deal it. I think that surviving tough situations make us stronger and wiser. It's also a reminder to just stop and take stock of all the good things in your life and congratulate yourself for overcoming so much adversity. You've done well. You'll only get better.

madamerouge said...

I hope it continues, too. I've been on moderate doses of Wellbutrin and Zoloft for some time now.

I get the sense that you have the same opinion of "fake it 'till you make it" as I do: BULLSHIT.

Roxrocks said...

I think as women, we tend to ignore the cues our bodies send us for far too long! By the time we get around to dealing with things, we are standing on the edge of sanity, hanging on by our toenails!

I'm glad whatever magic elixir they gave you is working!

Susan as herself said...

I know several women who suffered in the same or very similar ways, and they too have allfound balance and happiness through meds. I think we're all lucky to be alive in a time when this sort of treatment is an option, and that we were not born in a time when they just threw you in an asylum and tied you to the bed.

Happiness is so fragile and fleeting---but it's a RIGHT, not a priviledge. I am glad you have felt good for this period of time, and I wish you many years of it!!!

Stewie said...

Add me to the keep it continuing list and I'm very happy for your new found happiness, and hoping for much more for you.

Brice said...

I hope it continues too.


Lesley said...

Wow, I can relate to this post in a lot of ways. I am glad to hear you are feeling better, and hope that continues too. Oh and I am also not a fan of "fake it til you make it" although I do that quite often when the depression is having its way with me. It's a very good feeling, though, when I notice that I am really no longer faking it.

Brian said...

I don't know the PMS stuff. But winter every year makes me go insane. Year after next becomes worse as if I wanted to simply erase away my existence. It's an oppressive feeling as if I was stuck in a crowded room and I'm dying to escapes.

Then I went to the doctor and changed the meds. But that will as usual only work for a while.

I feel you pain, as different it might seem.

tornwordo said...

I hope the goodness continues. And let me know when you're in town!

CoffeeDog said...

Glad to hear your are coming out of the fog, so to speak. A few years ago I was very depressed, situational, and I was an utter mess. Friends ditched me, after I had become such a burden and totally hopeless. I lost almost 30 lbs (that part I liked!) Anyhow, I sort of know what you're going through. Girl, if you're ever in a hard place, call me.

Tickersoid said...

When depressed, it must seem so unfair that you can't 'think' your way out of it.

Well done for seeing the doctor. I hope you continue to recover.

Snooze said...

Thanks everyone - you're the best.

Eros: That is the exact attitude I'm trying to keep. Thanks for putting into words so well.

MadameRouge: I believe in fake it 'til you make it up to a point. If we didn't force ourselves through life despite our moods, we wouldn't get anything done. But I so agree that it is complete bullshit that in the throes of depression there's even an option of faking it.

Rox: I love your vision of toenails. My vision is always that I'm on a cliff, hanging from my fingertips, and someone wearing very heavy boots is slowly crushing my fingers and allowing me to fall. But I'm standing on top of that cliff now!

Susan: Mmmm, I got a bit distracted when you mentioned being tied to a bed... But of course you're so right. I would have been locked away.

Stewie and Brice: Thanks, greatly appreciated.

Lesley: It is a boost when that day comes when you suddenly think, "Hey, my smile isn't fake!"

Brian: I think you are very much experiencing the type of feelings I get. I hope your current meds work for quite a while.

Torn: I will definitely let you know if I start planning something

CoffeeDog: It really helps to know I'm not the only one who has crashed, although I hate thinking of you having gone through that. It's also inspiring to see how far you've come. I too lost the friendship of someone very special to me [and I don't blame them]

Tickers: That's exactly how I felt. I had a great friend who had had to deal with some very serious medical conditions and there I was, crying and apologizing to her because over-all, my life wasn't bad and I knew that - yet I couldn't be cheerful. She was so amazing and encouraged me to continue taking the meds until they kicked in.