Monday, November 03, 2008

In mourning

I am down right now. Down over the death of someone I knew and dated but not long enough to be 'officially' mourning. He played a pivotal role in my life. Specifically he played a pivotal role in my sexual development and as I read tributes to him on the web [because in his own life he was very successful in his career], I realize that I didn't know him in any real sense. He just gave me one of the best dates of my life that led to me experimenting and trying so much more. I don't feel a loss for me - I am only very sad that he died way, way too young. It amazes me how sometimes the briefest encounters can affect us so deeply.

I am still struggling with becoming an active participant in my life. It will probably all be okay and a process, but basically I went through such a profound and deep depression this summer that now that I'm finally coming out of the other side I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm doing all the right things - connecting to people, engaging in work which I love, eating well, and beginning to exercise - but I seem to get very easily distracted from moving forward.

What is giving me unprecedented joy and happiness right now is watching the British series from the 80s "yes Minister". Oh my god. Anyone who has ever worked for the government needs to watch this. Screw the West Wing - this is wit at its finest.

And a great group of people who I saw tonight. They brought me joy. Again, sometimes love and kindness come from the most unexpected places.


tornwordo said...

I'm glad you're coming out the other side. Sorry about your friend. That happened to me with an old boss. I had no idea I would grieve for his death.

Roxrocks said...

Something similar happened to me last year when an old flame passed away from a sudden heart attack. It's kind of jolting that someone you have a memory of is now gone, it almost alters your memory because now, attached to it is "but he's gone now."

You are doing the right thing, moving, taking care of yourself, being around people who can draw you out of your own self. Be kind and gentle with your soul.

katrocket said...


eroswings said...

I think that mourning helps you realize what's important in life. This person did affect you, no matter how brief the contact. And if it was a profound, better change, then his loss should be mourned.

But, I think you are headed towards a better place, becoming someone greater. You've emerged from your cocoon, and I think you're ready spread your wings and fly.

Stewie said...

Again, sometimes love and kindness come from the most unexpected places.

Isn't it amazing how that works out sometimes, especially when you need it the most?

Sorry for your loss. That seems so trite having never met in "real life", but I sincerely mean it. (And even though we haven't met, yet, I like you a helluva more than a lot of people I interact with. :) )

CoffeeDog said...

Baby steps dear, one day at a time. I'm sorry that you had a rough time this summer. Hugs

Snooze said...

Torn: Isn't it odd how some things hit hard?

Rox: That's it exactly - it has altered my way of thinking about him. It's killing me too that his profile is still up and active on the dating site.

Kat: Thanks - very appreciated.

Eros: I so hope that I don't crash. I have to have hope.

Stewie: It is amazing how we all become connected 'virtually'. I appreciated very much your kind words.

Coffeedog: Thanks so much. I think it's getting better. I've lost all perspective though